Over the last few years there has been a lot of changes in our lives. Who am I kidding, anyone who knows us knows there is ALWAYS something going on.
I am told by others this is just simply life. But in the last year with Gary’s’ diagnosis we have tried to SLOW down the hamster wheel and really focus on spending as many minutes together as we can and with family and friends.
Its amazing to me how well we really thought we knew each other before now. I guess I mean life can keep you so busy that you can really miss out on finding the tenderness in each other. The golden nuggets in your mate. As I am writing this, I know how I feel, but really struggle with putting it into words.
To look at Gary and know that one day he will not be here, or I will not be here and have gone to heaven makes my heart ache. My worries I can give to God but my ache for the love Gary and I feel for each other I do not ever want God to take that away. The ache is what helps us to keep focused on our time together and what is most precious in life. It has helped us to be willing to be so transparent with each other, with every thought that we have.
As a women…I have almost
J always thought that if only the man could communicate, communication would not be the issue…well as we have been volleying this communication and transparency with vulnerability back and forth I have found at least for myself
J that it has been very hard for me to share myself with my husband, maybe even harder for me than it is with him. See at sometimes Garys has no choice he is just vulnerable in some ways because of the diagnosis, because of his desire to get healthy, because as the patient it directly involves him, it is his life that is taking a total impact from this disease. But as for me I have seen the choice to separate myself just enough to keep from being vulnerable. Just enough so I will not have to feel the ache of my heart for him. Sometimes, I do have to block out what is going on and give it all to God in order to get through work, in order to make those phone calls, in order to interact with the kids and grandchildren and in order for Gary and I to just let loose and have fun and enjoy each other.
But when the ache in my heart comes back, in order to know my husband Gary D Mitchell
J in the way that I have gotten to know him I have to let my heart ache.
It makes us take time out for physical touch. I never really knew how important physical touch was until Gary decided to humor me with my request to take a couple massage class. We were instructed by a friend of mine who offered these classes and I thought oh how romantic. Romantic it is when you take the time to set up the massage table and music and candles and we do this still.
But we have through this realized it has helped us with being able to really enjoy each others everyday touch. We never realized how much we did not even touch each other through out the day. Like a gentle touch of appreciation, a big hug squeeze to just wind down from the day, or even the feeling of holding one another’s hand while sitting on the couch. Now since this disease we have even more appreciated what we have learned through the class, the techniques but more important being so much more comfortable with touching each other in a non sexual way. How so important the human touch is for fullness in life.
That winter Gary put himself out to agreeing to do this massage class and to take a class for ballroom dancing. This was part of what I call my Disneyland marriage. I would always say I know I have these lofty thoughts but I so desire at times to have romantic Disneyland days in our marriage.
As for the ball room dancing the thought was romantic the atmosphere was fun and exciting, though we only took a few classes because it became not as fun as in the beginning. We did not know this then, but now we know that ALS was already starting to show symptoms back then. We questioned our ability to slide our feet and dance without walking all over each other and being able to stay out of the way of other dancers so we decided to stop going to classes and just take what we learned, to dance at home around the kitchen table. But this too helped us get closer together. We still dance at home today, and we enjoy it very much. We have made changes because of the disease of how we dance but when we are dancing, in our mind it is still the same.
You are probably wondering why this crazy women wants to share all this on a blog.
Well guess what, I will share that also
J . As I look at other blogs for ALS patients and other terminal illnesses, I have not seen this part of the relationship shared. I think this part is as important as everything else that is shared. For others to see first hand ways that we experienced to help us make it through tough times and our love growing deeper. I also want to say I feel so honored that Gary would allow me to go through this part of his life with him. He did and does everyday have a choice to separate from his family and friends physically and emotionally. He has a choice to push on everyday to make today better than yesterday regardless of the progression of this disease on his body. He has a choice to sit back and let life pass him by or keep fighting the good fight to experience every minute of life that he has to live, to curse God or Love Him, or to be prideful and angry. To push us all away, or to allow his family to help him. One of the greatest gifts that my husband has given me is to allow me to see him vulnerable ( this big tough construction working man
J ) and to allow me to live this part of his life with him. Thanks honey for letting me see the inside of you, to the golden nuggets of who you are… ( Gary I am sure you remember when we first got married I shared once, or maybe twice :) that I just want to turn you inside out, you know to get to know you better, I guess I was a little impatient, now 18 years later I know the you I desired to know.)
I see you stronger now than ever before. I Love you and respect you more now than I ever thought could be possible. Thank you for loving me , and also thanks for letting me love you too.
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